GREETINGS FROM THE FUTURE. In order to better provide service-y articles for fans of the World Cup, we at the Eastern Cynic have discovered the secret of time travel. Unfortunately, we can only go back 24 hours and are constrained to using Wordpress while in the past. ANYWAY. Before the World Cup's most exciting game kicks off at 2:30pm tomorrow, pitting the United States—world-renowned for destroying its own country—against England—world-renowned for destroying other peoples' countries—in a colony versus colonizer death match that will most likely end in a 1-1 tie. Also, Tim Howard will take a sliding tackle right to his chest. But that's not important. We're here to introduce you to the World Cup's greatest commentator, comic book writer and general lunatic Warren Ellis, who will, in 24 hours, use his @warrenellis Twitter account to post the following commentary:
Update: Hello again from the future! It's Monday and the Netherlands and Japan have both won their fixtures, while Italy only managed to tie Paraguay. Bet accordingly!
Also: follow @the_vuvuzela on Twitter! Here's a sample: "bz.bz. bz. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
Titanic to be rereleased in 3D in 2012
Am I missing something? Is there any way this is not horrifically tacky?
Hey, come see a movie about this terrible tragedy where everyone died, especially poor people, and stupid Kate Winslet couldn't even MOVE OVER so that Leo could get part of the raft, and maybe that's why he was so mean to her in Revolutionary Road...in 3D!
Perhaps this is the end of the world that the Mayan calendar is purportedly foretelling.
It is ridiculous how excited I am to see this. From The New York Times:
"THE most striking thing about The Runaways, a new film about the trailblazing bad-girl rock band from the 1970s that spawned Joan Jett, is how authentic it feels. The clubs are properly scuzzy. The dialogue is properly raunchy. The actors can properly sing. The hair is fried and feathered, the skin spotty from weeks of running on little but potato chips and estrogen. From the adrenaline rush of performing to the monotony of rehearsal, it’s a vivid snapshot of life on the road for ambitious teenagers who are constantly told that rock ’n’ roll “is the sport of men.”
Full NYT review here.
Richard Lawson deftly refers to Marion Cotillard—the world's favorite French woman—as "a French swan turned into a human woman by a witch's spell." Gold.
As if it wasn't enough that they gave us the godawful scourge of golf, researchers in Scotland have decided it's about time the world saw some hybrid-sex chickens. As in half-male, half-female, split right down the middle. The scientists call these abominations "gynandromorphs" which isn't going to do the chickens a lick of good when they get to high school.
Also: for some reason, NPR felt it was necessary to quiz readers before getting to the actual article. They wanted to know if people knew whether or not woman have gonads. Well, yeah, they do. Or at least you better hope they do or this date is going south fast. More to the point, though: does Wolfman have nards?
Andrea: Does Demi Moore ever age? I think she's actually Dorian Gray.
Pat: Yeah, except instead of a painting, there's a bucket where her plastic surgeon stores the ugly things he removes.
Gothamist is reporting that there's a Hummer limo—that in and of itself is worth reporting—sporting a "KILL THE POOR" slogan on the side. Here it is at the corner of Broadway and Fuck You Street:
I'm not sure what's more noteworthy: that the owner (or renter) of a Hummer limo would do something that dickish or that people are reporting this with surprise. On the off chance that this isn't some eco-stunt meant to raise awareness of the so-on and so-forth (activists love being meta), let's review a startling fact about the rich: in the US, were it to be them versus us, they'd be outnumbered 10-1, and poor people own more guns. You've heard of the South, right? I know, there's the military and the FBI and state troopers and local cops who will have to Stand On The Side Of Justice or something, but most of them are poor-to-middle-class folk too.
Anyway, it's a moot point. The rich would never really kill the poor—at least, not until robots take over the work force.
I have long been a proponent of the idea that the Use Your Illusion albums are rife with filler and would have been better as one really awesome album a la Appetite. "Get In The Ring" is stupid. "Coma" is bloated and too damn long. "14 Years" is whiny, "So Fine" is sappy. Two classic rock covers is excessive. And we sure as hell don't need two versions of "Don't Cry" with different lyrics. So my proposed track listing, in no particular order:
- Civil War
- Breakdown
- Pretty Tied Up
- Don't Cry
- Estranged
- You Could Be Mine
- Right Next Door To Hell
- Live and Let Die
- Bad Obsession
- November Rain
- Dead Horse